It's a Practice

I was talking to a friend this week on a video call. He is someone I met through work a few years ago, and when I moved to my new job I reached out to him to talk about how we might work together again.

That particular day, more than a year ago, he commented on my new tattoo. And something in me said be authentic with this person. So I decided to be vulnerable with someone who was pretty much a total stranger, risking him thinking I was a complete lunatic.

I told him I had been struggling with some things. And he opened up and was vulnerable to me as well. And a connection was made. We’ve been talking as often as we can ever since.

This week’s call, we were discussing social media because we finally friended each other on Facebook. I’ve been off social media for a while, taking a break. And he admitted he was a little nervous because he posts some things (political) that he’s not sure I could get down with.

I started my journey to get my Master’s in Social Work this week. On our first day my teacher said that listening with curiosity (ask questions … stay curious is what I wrote down) is key to being a social worker.

This resonates with me because it reminds me of the Internal Family Systems work I’ve been doing. I have been getting to know my own internal system for the last couple of years. And I have had to become the leader of that system, with a lot of wounded parts that were all vying for control. As the leader, “Self,” I have done a lot of listening with curiosity.

Listening with curiosity changed my view of, well, a LOT of things. Listening to my parts. Listening to what people I don’t agree with are saying. Witnessing their pain, their fear. And getting out of my own patterns of constant reaction. And it’s a practice. Some days I fail. But I forgive myself when I fall off my practice, and then get right back into it as soon as possible. Keep practicing. That’s the best I can do.

Which brings me to The Greatest Showman (I worked in the performing arts for decades, you can learn a lot from a good show tune). I was listening to P!nk this morning and a remake of “A Million Dreams” from The Greatest Showman Reimagined showed up in my playlist.

I stopped and listened to the lyrics and I sang. And then I played it again. And again. For a moment, I stopped working. I stood up. I listened. I put both hands over my heartspace. Those lyrics, that’s what hope sounds like to me.

I have hope for the world we are living in. If we could all stop reacting and listen to each other with curiosity. I know not everyone is open to it and it won’t work universally. But if we never try, we will never get there. And we can’t keep operating as we have been. Someone has to hold out their hand first. I’m sticking mine out and seeing who grabs hold.

I’m not a Pollyanna. I am well aware of the challenges this country is facing. And I don’t hold my hand out to people I know will slap it away. I also know there are a lot more of us that are closer to the center than there are on either end. But until we stop isolating and start listening, we can expect more of the same.

I’ve been thinking lately about a meditation group I was participating in before the election. I had just finished reading Brene Brown’s Braving The Wilderness. She said it’s hard to hate people up close. That resonated with me. And the internet and social media is the epitome of hating people from a distance.

When you become friends with someone, you make a connection, but if you have one or two big things NOT in common, do you walk away? Or do you find common ground and build a bridge? Right now a lot of people are walking away. Because it’s hard. Building bridges is hard. Doing the work is hard. It’s painful. Listening to yourself and then listening to others with curiosity. Ooof.

For me, if I am feeling anything other than one of the 8 C’s of Self (curiosity, compassion, confidence, creativity, connectedness, courage, calm and clarity) – it’s time to pause and reflect. And then I choose to ask a question. And see if the person (or a problematic part of mine) is open to a dialogue.

In my experience, if you get enough people who band together and say we refuse to give this air, we refuse to fan this flame, we choose love over hate, that’s how change happens. It doesn’t happen by screaming into the void where the only people hearing you are the people who agree with you.

This friend, we don’t share the same core spiritual belief system. He is a Christian. I am not. But we are both spiritual. So we found common ground. This is what I think God is. Hey me too. This is what I believe. Hey me too. Guess what. We are talking about the same thing, but using a different vocabulary.

This week we both made a choice. We said to each other, despite these differences we are choosing each other. Yes, you are my friend. As a fellow soul having a human experience, I have love for you. Whatever we say to each other, it will be truth. We will speak with love and no intent to harm. And we will keep talking about hard things that we don’t agree on. Because that dialogue is how we begin.

“They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy.

They can say, they can say I’ve lost my mind.

I don’t care, I don’t care if they call me crazy.

We can live in a world that we design.

Cause every night I lie in bed, the brightest colors fill my head, a million dreams are keeping me awake.

I think of what the world could be. A vision of the one I see, a million dreams is all it’s gonna take.

Oh, a million dreams for the world we’re gonna make.” – Ben Pasek and Justin Noble Paul, The Greatest Showman

One of my teachers told me recently that energy flows where attention goes. So I’m being very careful with what I give oxygen to, and what I walk away from. I’m choosing hope and love. I’m choosing to listen, with curiosity.

And I challenge all of the people who read this to do the same. Start small. Be intentional. And let’s shift. Together.

Sending all of you love and light.

– Esme